Divorce is something that no one wants to face. It is a hard situation that many people have to find the strength to get through. Sometimes there are hard feelings between the two couples and sometimes the couple will still get along very well. It is hard to tell what is going to happen and sometimes you just have to see how it goes. The ball is in your court and you need to make the best choices that you can.
One thing is for sure; once you are divorced, you do not need to be having an intimate with your ex. This is not something that is wise because of the issues that will come along with it. You want to break your ties so that you are free and able to move on easily to better and bigger things.
You will want to remain friendly with your ex. This is for obvious reasons. When things go a lot smoother, you will find it to be a lot easier to get things accomplished. You really can kill them with kindness however you do not want to be so kind that you are jeopardizing your health and well being for any reason. You do not want to get involved with the complicity of having sex with your ex when you are trying to rebuild your life and make something better for your future.
When you are trying to rebuild your life, you want to do the right things. You need to make the right choices for you and you family so that you are not putting anyone's well being at risk. This will also include your ex. When you are still carrying on an intimate relationship with your ex partner, you will find that you may be setting either one of you up for a very big fall. This is not something that you should be doing at this stage of the game.
A divorce is something that can be very complicated and when you are combining sex with your ex, you are only making the situation more complicated. You need to make sure that you are severing these ties and making it very clear that you are not interested in this part of your life anymore. You need to of course make sure of this before you file for divorce but having a physical relationship is not the only thing that matters with a marriage. You need to have all the factors there so that you can have a successful relationship that works for both of you.
There are so many things to worry about when you are trying to rebuild your life after a divorce. You do not want to have to deal with too much when you already have so much on your plate. You want to be careful and make the wise decisions that you know you can make. You have to be willing to let the physical side of your relationship go so that you can free your mind and body up for the next chapter in your life.
There is so much life out there and when you are divorced, you are able to take it all on. You should not be holding on to the past even if it is comforting at the time. You want to get out there are find out who you are and what your goals and dreams are in life. This is the only way that you can make your new life a huge success. This is going to be worth the self-control that you have when it comes to refraining from having sex with your ex.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
is it love? or lust?
What is Lust?
It's a fact of life that all of us have hormones in us - all of us have a natural, human urge to procreate and have sexual intercourse. It's how the human species has survived for thousands of years and it's an urge we should all be extremely grateful for. That urge, and the strong emotions that go with it, are called "lust". It is why we look at an attractive boy or girl and really want to get to know them - even though we know NOTHING about what they are really like as a person, or if they have anything at all in common with us.
Teenagers (and adults too) often get caught up in the "What He/She Looks Like" mentality, fueled strongly by the fashion industry and MTV. It's easy to chase after someone just because their hair is cool or their body is buff. But as much as those lustful reasons might seem great at first, one of the strong lessons that life teaches is that beauty is skin deep, and living with a beautiful-but-poorly-matched person can bring a lot of misery and heartache.
Think of all the "handsome and beautiful" stars that break up, hating each other. Think of all the times that a "pretty girl" has cheated, figuring she deserves better. A relationship that is based on something superficial will fail as soon as the smallest test is made of it, to the bitter unhappiness of both involved.
The best relationship is always based on friendship. Best friends can be happy together no matter what, will stay together, would not betray each other. Best friends truly SEEM beautiful to each other. If your friends care what your partner LOOKS like, they are not being great friends. And if your PARTNER cares what you look like, they are not caring much about you.
We all change as we get older. We all sag, we all wrinkle, we all gain weight, we all get flabby. It's a normal part of life. If you obsess over what you look like, and make that a key factor in your self esteem, you are going to be miserable. However if you take pride in what you ARE, then you will always be satisfied and have something to treasure.
Lust is about wanting someone for their looks, for praising their looks, for treating their looks as something of great importance. Lust fades if the person gains 5 pounds or gets grimy in the garden. And while lust might keep you feeling high on life for a month or two, lust rarely sustains. Lust will have your eyes wandering after a while, to find a new jump-start for your libido.
What does love mean?
When a group of professionals posed the question, "What does love mean?" to a group of children between the ages of 4 and 8, they got answers that were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See for yourself:
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love: Our love and God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget...
What is the relationship between love and lust and do we often confuse the two?
There are different emotional and physiological components to both love and lust. Romantic attraction and feelings of love for someone elevates our dopamine and serotonin levels, which causes feelings of elation and loss of appetite. When we get to the point of feeling attachment and a more long-term phase of love, our bodies generate more oxytocin (known as the "hormone of love").
Lust, sex drive and an appetite for sex can visit during this process and is generated by increased testosterone levels in both men and women. Heightened levels of testosterone inspire a feeling of focused attention and sexual arousal.
Is infidelity a natural phenomenon?
We definitely have the circuitry to be adulterous. There are Darwinian reasons why cheating has evolved. If a man has two children with one woman and more children with another, more of his DNA will be present in the next generation, which includes the genes associated with adultery! It perpetuates itself.
That's surprising, why?
Possibly because both men and women are more independent and can leave an unhappy marriage more easily these days. We also find that men and women are marrying later, divorcing more and living longer, leaving them single for more of their adult lives. They are less adulterous as a result of spending less time married.
Do sex and love mean different things to men and women?
Men are more inclined to have one-night stands, and women tend to connect love and sex to a greater degree. Women connect sex with romance and intimacy, while men focus more on body parts and functioning. What's interesting is that men tend to consider sex a more intimate act than women do. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because women are actually giving men a gift during copulation — the opportunity to spread his seed. It is also easier for women to find sexual partners.
Does age influence our sexual interests?
Young men have 10 times more testosterone in their early 20s, and this is the peak of their sex drive. It tends to level out after that. On the other hand, a woman's sex drive peaks in her late 20s and early 30s. As a result of decreased testosterone as men age, they tend to become more compassionate as their levels go down. Conversely, as a woman's estrogen level decreases with age, she will become more assertive. This has to do with the fact that the proportion of testosterone in a woman's system plays a larger role as the estrogen decreases.
What role does attractiveness play in this love-lust equation? We find that highly attractive couples tend to divorce more — probably because they have more opportunities to form new relationships. In general, we tend to couple with people who have a similar level of attractiveness. We also find that men tend to fall for pretty faces, while women are highly attracted to men with fat wallets. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because men are looking to improve their gene pool while women are looking for men who will help to support their children.
It's a fact of life that all of us have hormones in us - all of us have a natural, human urge to procreate and have sexual intercourse. It's how the human species has survived for thousands of years and it's an urge we should all be extremely grateful for. That urge, and the strong emotions that go with it, are called "lust". It is why we look at an attractive boy or girl and really want to get to know them - even though we know NOTHING about what they are really like as a person, or if they have anything at all in common with us.
Teenagers (and adults too) often get caught up in the "What He/She Looks Like" mentality, fueled strongly by the fashion industry and MTV. It's easy to chase after someone just because their hair is cool or their body is buff. But as much as those lustful reasons might seem great at first, one of the strong lessons that life teaches is that beauty is skin deep, and living with a beautiful-but-poorly-matched person can bring a lot of misery and heartache.
Think of all the "handsome and beautiful" stars that break up, hating each other. Think of all the times that a "pretty girl" has cheated, figuring she deserves better. A relationship that is based on something superficial will fail as soon as the smallest test is made of it, to the bitter unhappiness of both involved.
The best relationship is always based on friendship. Best friends can be happy together no matter what, will stay together, would not betray each other. Best friends truly SEEM beautiful to each other. If your friends care what your partner LOOKS like, they are not being great friends. And if your PARTNER cares what you look like, they are not caring much about you.
We all change as we get older. We all sag, we all wrinkle, we all gain weight, we all get flabby. It's a normal part of life. If you obsess over what you look like, and make that a key factor in your self esteem, you are going to be miserable. However if you take pride in what you ARE, then you will always be satisfied and have something to treasure.
Lust is about wanting someone for their looks, for praising their looks, for treating their looks as something of great importance. Lust fades if the person gains 5 pounds or gets grimy in the garden. And while lust might keep you feeling high on life for a month or two, lust rarely sustains. Lust will have your eyes wandering after a while, to find a new jump-start for your libido.
What does love mean?
When a group of professionals posed the question, "What does love mean?" to a group of children between the ages of 4 and 8, they got answers that were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See for yourself:
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love: Our love and God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget...
What is the relationship between love and lust and do we often confuse the two?
There are different emotional and physiological components to both love and lust. Romantic attraction and feelings of love for someone elevates our dopamine and serotonin levels, which causes feelings of elation and loss of appetite. When we get to the point of feeling attachment and a more long-term phase of love, our bodies generate more oxytocin (known as the "hormone of love").
Lust, sex drive and an appetite for sex can visit during this process and is generated by increased testosterone levels in both men and women. Heightened levels of testosterone inspire a feeling of focused attention and sexual arousal.
Is infidelity a natural phenomenon?
We definitely have the circuitry to be adulterous. There are Darwinian reasons why cheating has evolved. If a man has two children with one woman and more children with another, more of his DNA will be present in the next generation, which includes the genes associated with adultery! It perpetuates itself.
That's surprising, why?
Possibly because both men and women are more independent and can leave an unhappy marriage more easily these days. We also find that men and women are marrying later, divorcing more and living longer, leaving them single for more of their adult lives. They are less adulterous as a result of spending less time married.
Do sex and love mean different things to men and women?
Men are more inclined to have one-night stands, and women tend to connect love and sex to a greater degree. Women connect sex with romance and intimacy, while men focus more on body parts and functioning. What's interesting is that men tend to consider sex a more intimate act than women do. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because women are actually giving men a gift during copulation — the opportunity to spread his seed. It is also easier for women to find sexual partners.
Does age influence our sexual interests?
Young men have 10 times more testosterone in their early 20s, and this is the peak of their sex drive. It tends to level out after that. On the other hand, a woman's sex drive peaks in her late 20s and early 30s. As a result of decreased testosterone as men age, they tend to become more compassionate as their levels go down. Conversely, as a woman's estrogen level decreases with age, she will become more assertive. This has to do with the fact that the proportion of testosterone in a woman's system plays a larger role as the estrogen decreases.
What role does attractiveness play in this love-lust equation? We find that highly attractive couples tend to divorce more — probably because they have more opportunities to form new relationships. In general, we tend to couple with people who have a similar level of attractiveness. We also find that men tend to fall for pretty faces, while women are highly attracted to men with fat wallets. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because men are looking to improve their gene pool while women are looking for men who will help to support their children.
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